Awareness

It is with the utmost sadness that I have chosen to step back from a 5 year relationship for the betterment of myself/children and my mental wellbeing.  

I find myself triggered with feelings of failing, inadequacy, lack of loyalty, fear, shame, and disbelief in the reality of my situation.  I feel the effects of a shattered vision of our future.  

As I look back on the relationship and the red flags I ignored I begin to question; what kept me from stepping back sooner?  What made the unhealthy behaviors and actions acceptable to me, despite the pain they caused?  How often did I silence my inner voice to justify what I knew was true….doubt my own intuition?  How often did I neglect my own needs for inner work to give the attention to my partner’s needs?

Who from my story is this person similar to: Jayson, Dad, David, Tim

I need to take responsibility for the things going on inside of me.

Here’s what I am learning about myself that I can focus on:

  • Healing abandonment issues
  • Parenting and soothing myself
  • Feeling worthy of love at my core
  • Finding awareness of my own feelings/desires
  • Managing my fears of infidelity and abandonment 
  • Listening to and honoring my intuition
  • Acceptance being alone
  • Recognition of the rush of dopamine with feelings of love, attention and validation 
  • Practice empathy 
  • Focus less on me and more on others
  • Practice accountability 
  • Validate myself 
  • Reframing negative self talk
  • Look inside for love and approval 

It was the presence of my underlying issues that allowed me to be unhealthy.  In order to heal and have a healthy relationship in the future, I need to first work to understand and heal myself.  In this relationship I have lost my self worth.  I feel I need him to survive.  If only I was less demanding, selfish and controlling we would have been great, I think. 

Unhealthy dynamics:

  • Control
  • Abandonment 
  • Withholding of affection, attention
  • Silent treatment 
  • Blame shifting 
  • Criticism
  • Sporadic validation of feelings, experiences, and perspectives
  • Selfishness
  • Lack of empathy 
Healthy relationship dynamic take aways:
  • Encouraged inner work 
  • High sense of self reflection 
  • Honest inventory of unhealthy behaviors 
  • Encouragement to take the high road 
  • Accountability 
  • Spontaneous and funny
  • Great hiking companion 
  • Celebrated successes
  • Intentional with connection to kids
  • Organization skills
  • Bonding through sharing of memories, unique connections between us (little people, nicknames)
  • Willing to take bold actions
  • Confident (outwardly)

I will not be bitter for the events and hurts I have caused, but grateful for the place it brings me to grow and find peace.  Grateful for the many fun memories.

I can either choose to pick myself up and find healing, or stay stuck in unworth and pain.  Either way, it is my choice.  

The years and toll of self neglect, and unhealthy dynamics has shattered my self esteem.  I understand I have struggled with intense anxiety, depression and ptsd as a result of this dynamic.  

My ego and wounded self think, ‘I still desperately want him back.  I wish he would turn around and apologize for his behaviors and tell me how much he loves and misses me’.  Then I judge myself for having these thoughts.  I took this relationship struggle personally.  This is not valid. 

I am already valid

I am enough

If someone can’t see what I bring to the table as being valuable, that doesn’t mean I’m not good enough, it means that person can’t see me clearly.  

This only happened because I allowed it.  There is no blame, just awareness.  

I am worthy.  I am enough.   

There are great lessons to be learned from this.

My energy and attention will go towards working on myself. I will work to self soothe and validate myself. 

I will focus on avoiding repeating negative stories. 

I will have a compatible partner in myself who accepts me and treats me well!  



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