Regulation

As I lay here in bed this morning my brain shifts to the drama I have brought into the relationship and what is going on with me.  

I definitely find myself seeking attention by acting out.  As I look back onto my childhood, I believe this is how I would get the attention I was seeking.  

Quietly,  I would suffer with my feelings and desires for connection and repress my needs until everything I was feeling would boil over and come spewing out. 

Here’s what I notice:

• I seek attention and don’t like feeling left out or not the center of attention.  
• I will withdraw and focus on how little attention I am receiving.  Due to withdrawing instead of voicing my needs, I will get even less attention.  
• I start to repress my feelings or needs until there comes a point that it all comes flooding out.  I aggressively seek attention.
• This acting out usually involves irrational and exaggerated emotions and perceptions of facts.  
• This leads to feeling shame and embarrassment for my behaviors.  
• I then carry the deep regret for not regulating my emotions, and the cost to my relationships for my acting out.  
• I act selfishly and default to thinking about myself first

The main issue is my inability to self soothe and validate.  Without the ability to parent myself, and meet my own needs I find myself desperately seeking comfort from others. 

What bodily sensations do I notice during activation of my unregulated nervous system?

• Sweaty hands
• Racing heart
• Tight muscles 
• Shallow breathing 
• Racing thoughts
• Desperation to get my needs met

Learning to self soothe, in retrospect would leave me feeling a better sense of regulation and control and decrease the feelings of regret and consequences of acting out. 

Ways to self soothe:

Breathing techniques 

Hand over heart and belly

Squeezing or tapping of arm muscles 

Yoga

Meditation 

Internal dialog of empowerment 

I am statements 

Visualization of a peaceful image

Awareness of what I see, feel, hear, taste