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The gift of tomorrow

Lucy Maud Montgomery, once wrote, “Tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it.” Today as I pray and meditate I think about these words.  It gives me hope for a fresh start.  A new beginning.  Each day I get a clean slate to paint, however I wish.    It is no one’s fault I am where I am today, except for mine.  My choices of where and how I invest my energy each day lead to my overall well-being and mental state.   I have hit my rock bottom and have caused harm to relationships that I have greatly cared for.  The possibility to repair may not be possible, and I need to accept this. I need to own the power of my heart when it is not Christ focused.   Without Christ, my heart is bitter, cold, resentful, and sees the worst in people and situations.  Thankfully, I can be forgiven.  I do not need to be a prisoner to my shortcomings.  God has enough grace even for me.  God says I am enough.  God says I’m worthy.  I need nothing more.  Dear God, help me to stay focused on you today and no
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Jumping into self care

It’s so easy to look at someone else as the issue and point out how they messed up.  True courage comes with the awareness of looking within ourselves to reveal our character weaknesses.  It’s time I look within.   Steps to getting myself back to healthy: I enrolled in therapy with BetterHelp.  They have availability to therapists for a fraction of the cost and you can call or text them outside of meetings.  This is great with my lack of insurance coverage.   I have a friend going to Alanon with me this Saturday.  I have been thinking I don’t need to attend this and I can heal on my own…but I do.  I love how supported and heard I feel when I leave this group.   I have a support group of amazing, strong and supportive lady friends at Celebrating recovery that provide support as I learn how to better manage my side of the street. Sometimes it’s through the most painful moments that we pull ourselves up to the best version of us.  I regret that I didn’t take these actions all those years
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Thanks to the moon

The moon, stars, clouds and the sky have always been my way to communicate to loved ones who are far from me.  This morning the sky allowed my soul to shine peace over my spirit.   While walking Oakley I looked towards the moon which is shining over Allan and I and I, and I spoke to him.  I sent him these two songs: Alive and Down for Anything by Adelitas Way.  These songs will always be our songs. ♥️ I pray that God allow his heart to feel joy and peace today.  That his radiant smile touches those around him.  And the same for me.   I will never give up hope on our together, but I will strive for acceptance of his choice.  He deserves that respect and autonomy.   I love him so.  ðŸ’•
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Staying open

Today I show myself compassion and love for the pain I have felt over the past week.  Today I hold myself and speak gently to my inner child.   In this moment it doesn’t feel like it, but it will be ok.   Today I choose gratitude for the knowledge of what self love feels like.  I lay here and feel no judgment for whatever emotions arise.  I acknowledge them.  I hold space for them and I allow them to be released in time.   I find myself so deeply touched by the love and support my friends and family have offered me.  Thank you 💕 I am a warrior, and I will never stop fighting.  I’ve really been thinking so deeply about relationships and how they last a lifetime for some.   The ability to look past the shortcomings to see the gifts and strengths their partner offers.  Grace and forgiveness Intentional effort to see the blessings  Believing the best in each other  A degree of selflessness  Respect  Willingness to make amends Freedom to make mistakes  Compassion to understand another’s pe
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Live and let live

Listening to an AA speaker talking about the concept of: Live and Let Live This is my life, what do I want to do with it.  How can I detach from the responsibility of caring for others and care for myself? Go live life!! Find my passions…what is it I can do to ‘lose’ track of time? Life is beautiful  I have noticed that I lost myself and became so enmeshed with Allan that I literally stopped being me.  I started being his mini-me.  Wearing clothes like him (except the yoga pants lol), journaling like him, listening to mostly the same music as him…gross and appalling.  I’m embarrassed that I didn’t see or change this.  I forgive myself for this. My thoughts were consumed with how he was and what he needed, to the point I couldn’t actually be there for him consistently…I forgive myself for this. I strive to be the center of attention and I act out and cause drama when I don’t feel like I am.  I am a mere human after all.  I can work on this! My main takeaway is a surplus of gratitude for
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Confessions

The wind of life beats me down, but I won’t fall.  I lack an honest and keen awareness of what I’m feeling.  I say I’m ok, when I’m not.  I’m a slow processer.  Sometimes it takes me a couple days to internally regulate my emotions and thoughts to be able to share them.  I’d like to see a decrease in the amount of time it takes to become aware.  I find acceptance either way! I struggle with empathy, and I may appear to ‘not care’. I have been working on this, but don’t feel like I’m improving as quickly as I’d like it to.  I’ll continue to be patient and putting in the practice.  I am seeing small steps of improvement!  Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day!! Over the past year and a half I have felt afraid that if I show my true self, I am unlovable.  As a result, I have not been showing up authenticity, but showing up as how I feel people want me too.  However; I am getting better at not caring about others approval and I have seen and felt genuinely accepted by people I associate wit
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Regulation

As I lay here in bed this morning my brain shifts to the drama I have brought into the relationship and what is going on with me.   I definitely find myself seeking attention by acting out.  As I look back onto my childhood, I believe this is how I would get the attention I was seeking.   Quietly,  I would suffer with my feelings and desires for connection and repress my needs until everything I was feeling would boil over and come spewing out.  Here’s what I notice: I seek attention and don’t like feeling left out or not the center of attention.   I will withdraw and focus on how little attention I am receiving.  Due to withdrawing instead of voicing my needs, I will get even less attention.   I start to repress my feelings or needs until there comes a point that it all comes flooding out.  I aggressively seek attention. This acting out usually involves irrational and exaggerated emotions and perceptions of facts.   This leads to feeling shame and embarrassment for my behaviors.   I t
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